child sexual abuse victims and survivors

Everything posted on this page will be samples of my creative writing. I have been writing for years…a little more each year it seems. Writing helps me to sort through my feelings, so I hope that maybe my writing might inspire others to do the same. Eventually, I hope to write a book which chronicles the events of my life. If anyone would like to publish their creative efforts on this page send me a link and I will gladly add it to the page.

By the way, my first and only novel Tears in Heaven
can be found on amazon.com. I would sure appreciate a review or a like. Thank you for all your support.

My Little Girl Lost

Little girl lost,
inside of me;
Do you remember
Who I used to be?

Oh, who am I
my, little girl lost?

Little girl lost,
inside my mind;
Help me please
my life to find.

Oh, where am I
my, little girl lost?

Little girl lost,
in the corridor;
Why did you leave me?
Didn’t you love me anymore?

What did I do wrong
my, little girl lost?

Little girl lost,
I hear you when you weep;
Trust in him and you will see,
God has promises still to keep.

Where is your faith
my, little girl lost?

Little girl lost,
trapped in my heart;
I’ll set you free
if you do part.

Now he can pay the cost
my, little girl lost.

The Long Dark Hallway

I wander down the long dark hallway
I’ve been here before; I know the way
Yet, I made a wrong turn
Down on my knees, I can only pray.

Help me Lord, to find my way
I’m lost in the past, where I don’t want to stay.
As I creep down the hall, and I peek in each door
Protect me and guide me to just the right day.

Are they hidden behind that door?
I need my memories; don’t hide them anymore.
Each door that I open is empty inside
Why can’t I remember what I did before?

Help me to escape the past
This door is locked; where is the key? Hurry! Fast!
I want to discover the secret treasure
And unlock the door to my past, at last.

Then I can come and go
And everything I will know
Can leave the past behind
As I travel to and fro.

No more voices telling me
That I’m alone and unworthy
No more visions in my head
My blinders gone, I’ll finally be free.

Free from hallways dimly lit
Chasing unknown dreams in a harried snit
See, I was given a special gift
I’ve been blessed by the holy spirit.

I’ve just discovered he is the key
To what has been missing inside of me.
All the fear and misery, that is now locked away
From those things I no longer flee.

He unlocked the door to my heart
that had been hidden from the start
And I wear the key around my neck
To remind me that he played a part.

He set me free; he let me loose.
I am free from the abuse.
It’s not I that am to blame
I am no one’s pitiful excuse.

So, bye bye long dark hallway.
I am not coming to visit today.
I refuse to grant you power over me
I won’t allow you to lead me astray.

Untold Dreams

Powerful visions, sheltered by my mind
Hidden treasures, hard to find
Demonic images, unleashed in the night
Secrets revealed, slave to fright.

Forgotten memories, subconscious tricks
Hauntingly familiar, subtle flicks
Scenic views, troubled cast
Ghostly mirage, revisited past.

Mirror images, sanity betray
Distorted memories, in a way
Slowly waken, my state of mind
Ever present, Never kind.

Lonely, frightening, sleepless nights
Coldly analyzing, pondering plights
Relentless hours, countless it seems
Dreading the realm of untold dreams.

Chapter 1: The dream

Chapter 1: The Dream

Those eyes, glowing embers of hate, penetrated the darkness of the growing night. Screaming, retching, she woke from the dream, suspended in the untold realm, unable to make sense of her surroundings. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she looked around for something familiar, anything to comfort her; she needed to get some more sleep. She had a big adventure planned tomorrow, and she didn’t want to be too tired to enjoy the experience. Anxiety relieved, she slowly drifted off to sleep only to relive the same terrifying nightmare.

Running, she was running from the demons. They were everywhere. Their eyes seemed to mimic the disturbing images of her past, deliberately haunting her. She could clearly see the vision:

She was a small child, lonely and frightened. She covered her head, hoping her small body would disappear beneath the blankets; she wanted them to offer protection from the pain she endured on a nightly basis. She heard the door squeak; she knew he was coming. She lay quietly, barely breathed, hoping he wouldn’t see her, that he would leave her alone. Unfortunately, he preyed on her fear– could smell it– so staking out her form in the darkness was only a game. He easily found her hiding place. He towered over her, his presence daunting. For what seemed like an eternity, he didn’t move; he just hovered over her. Finally, he reached out and touched her, gentle but firm. Squirming against his touch, she couldn’t deny any longer her fate for the night. Casting the blanket aside, he pulled her out and carried her to the bed. No longer able to cope, she retreated in her mind, and let Brave Girl come to the forefront. She was strong; she could endure the treatment her father would force upon her. Without Brave Girl she wouldn’t survive these nightly rituals. Without Brave Girl she would die inside.

Reflected in the hollowness of each demon’s eyes was a new vision, each more vivid than the one before. She didn’t realize they were her own memories; she didn’t really care. She only wanted to escape the power they seemed to have over her. Barely able to move now, as more were revealed, she stood and she watched as it played out like a clip in a horror movie. Frozen in time, each vision had its own message; some were clear, while others were not. The confusion only seemed to add to her fear causing her to tremble inside. What did it all mean? Where did they come from? How did she get rid of them? She didn’t know what to do.

Darting away, suddenly fueled by a burst of adrenaline, she ran the opposite direction of the terrible visions. On her tail, not so far behind, were the demonic visions that could give her back her life. Unaware of their usefulness, she continued running, driven by fear. At one point she screamed at them, told them to leave her alone. She didn’t want to know; then they started to fade away leaving her alone once again. Still, she was scared; still running away. Now in complete darkness, she found she could not escape. She couldn’t see to run. Only in her mind, she could still hear them taunting her, teasing her, everywhere she turned. No matter what she did, she couldn’t escape the voices. They were vicious and vile.
Jolted awake by the viciousness of the taunting voices, Miranda got up out of bed. She was badly shaken by the dreams she had been having recently. She didn’t understand why she was having such terrible nightmares. She knew she didn’t have many memories of her childhood, but the ones she had were wonderful. Still, in the back of her mind, she knew there had to be a reason for such powerful images to haunt her on a nightly basis. After changing her sweat drenched nightgown, she wandered into the kitchen for her morning coffee.

The Magic Man

She was standing in the rain
Staring through the window pane
She was watching the one within
Waiting, wondering when he would sin.

She knew he would, he always did.
He did it to her, he would do it again.
She knew that some of it he just hid.
That was the magic of some men.

Though she suffered, she fought each day.
She knew he would eventually have to pay;
For stealing is a sin,
And he stole her “child” within.

As time slowly faded, the girl forgot
Neatly stored the skeletons in the “dark” spot.
She never understood why she had so many fears
Until she shed light on the skeletons from past years.

No longer scared, she now saw the trick.
Did he still have it in him, that slight of hand?
Did others still suffer because he was sick?
Now what to do, she didn’t understand.

She had to do something, she had to find
If he still had the magic to hide behind.
She had to reveal, she had to unveil
To help the children break the spell.

No longer a victim, no longer a child,
She knew for the others she had to speak.                                                                                No longer afraid, no longer mild,                                                                                               She knew that his antics she had to tweak.

He wasn’t magic; he wasn’t slick.
He just knew the right child to pick.
Now understanding, now more aware
She told her abuser, “Try if you dare!!”

Now she knew what she had to do
He wasn’t magic; He was just sick.
Teach the children about the trick
And he will not be able to hurt anyone new.

Just Don’t

How am I supposed to heal?
How am I supposed to feel?
When those who love me
Don’t understand?
Don’t lend a hand?

Why can’t they see?
Why can’t they understand me?
Can’t they try
To see it my way?
To be patient every day?

When will it be my turn?
When will they learn?
How to discern
When I am sad?
When I feel bad?

This is too…
I don’t want to touch
I don’t want much…
I can’t, I won’t
Damn it, I don’t!!

I don’t want to be me.
I don’t want to walk
I don’t want to talk
Don’t touch me
Don’t you see?

Don’t you see?
Look at me                                                                                                                                     What am I?
Nothing but a lie
Nothing but…
Just don’t!

Don’t try to tell me
that you love me,
that I am enough for you.
I know what you want me to do.
Just don’t!

Don’t think for one minute
that I don’t know.
Don’t lie to me.
Don’t go that low.
Just don’t!

Don’t.
Just don’t!
I am tired.
I am lost.
No matter what the cost,
Just don’t!!!!

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1 Comment(s)

  1. NellyB

    March 25, 2013 at 7:23 am

    I can relate to every word from the ‘Untold Dreams’ poem.
    Thank you for sharing



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